Can I hold you?
by Morbidmuch
Summary: Set in the end of S3 and goes AU. Reid meets an old friend. ReidOFC


**A/N: Re-written, re-vamped, and improved. Set in the end of season 3, with a few conclusions drawn to make it fit with the story. Anywho, enjoy and please review :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds only my original characters.**

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**Can I hold you?**

_"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." _– Rose Kennedy

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They had lost agent Joyner in the explosion, and shortly after that the case had been solved. However, none of them had been in any rush to fly back home; so that was why they were sitting in a small café in Manhattan, everyone sullen. Hotch and Rossi wasn't with them, they were at the FBI Field Office, dealing with the paperwork.

Morgan was looking out the window; deep in thought; JJ was holding Will's hand tightly, the other one thrown across her stomach; Emily and Garcia was sitting and talking softly, every now and then throwing a glance at Reid, who was trying to burn a hole at the bottom of his coffee cup. His nightmares had become worse and worse lately, escalating to the one night over a year ago he wanted to forget more than anything.

_He felt empty, hollow. He needed it. Making sure he'd locked the door he sat down on the floor, taking out the vials and the syringe. Feeling a bit guilty when he heard Natalie's favourite song start to play out in the living-room, he hesitated. Then he shook of the feeling. He needed this. She'd understand. _

_His hands were shaking as he filled the syringe; it had been too long since his last fix. Fix. Something in his mind registered, and he paused for a second. This was a fix. He was addicted. Despite knowing every statistic of every drug, use, and overdose in the entire world, he couldn't stop himself. He needed to do it. The slight sting of the needle puncturing his skin was a small price to pay for the relief that was soon to be followed. _

_Somewhere in the distance, he heard Natalie knocking on the bathroom door, calling out his name. He paid her no mind. She tried again, the knocks more urgent, her voice more frantic. Spencer closed his eyes, letting the syringe fall to the floor. It didn't matter; _he _didn't matter. Nothing did. _

_A faraway sound reached him, and he opened his eyes. An angel was standing in the open doorway, the light behind her making her skin and hair glow. An Angel. Then he frowned. Not an angel. Jeans, a black top, a red mouth open in shock, tears pooling in brown eyes. _

_Natalie…_

"Reid?"

Reid looked up to find everyone looking at him. Obviously he'd missed something. "Yes?" he said, and Emily smiled at him.

"I asked if you wanted any more coffee, I'm getting some more for me."

He shook his head, fingers curling around his still half full cup. "No, I'm good."

Emily stood up and walked over to the counter. Standing in front of her in the queue was a woman with long blonde hair, dressed in a grey skirt suit. Emily frowned, recognizing her from somewhere. It wasn't until she spoke however, that Emily recognized her.

"Can I have an espresso, please?"

"Natalie?" she said unbelievingly.

Natalie turned around, and her lips formed into a smile when she saw her old friend. "Emily!" she gave her a hug and then stood back. "What are you doing here?"

Emily looked shocked at her. "Have you been living under a rock for the past week? There has been a serial killer here."

Natalie nodded. "Yes, I know. It was terrible; I've barely left the house since the first killing."

"Do you wanna go and sit with us?" Emily offered.

Natalie hesitated. Spencer would be there; she didn't know if she could face him. After she had found him in the bathroom and he'd sobered up, they'd had a long talk. They had argued, and cried and it ended in Natalie leaving. She had moved to New York two months later, and hadn't stayed in touch with anyone from the team. She wondered briefly if Spencer was still using; she knew he was smart enough to be able to hide it. Hotch would never let him work in the field if he knew about the drugs.

Emily, who saw that she hesitated, put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know that they others, especially JJ have missed you. We just haven't said anything because of Reid." It hadn't been easy for anyone of them, when Reid out of the blue said that he and Natalie had broken up and that he didn't want any of them to contact her. They'd wanted to; Emily had seen JJ on multiple occasions typing in Natalie's number to call her.

Natalie could feel tears pricking in the corners of her eyes as she thought about Spencer. They had been together for two years before they broke up. They had met when Natalie was in her senior year at Georgetown; Reid had been a guest lecturer in a class she took.

Making a decision, Natalie nodded. "Sure, I'll sit with you, I don't have anything else to do anyway." She followed Emily back to the table, nervously wiping off her sweaty palms on her skirt and shaking her bangs out of her eyes. Already she was starting to regret the decision, and she hadn't even seen any of the others yet.

"Look who I found."

Reid's eyes shot up when he heard Emily's voice, and widened. Standing there, looking slightly nervous, was Natalie. He felt his heart falter, and he couldn't take his eyes off her. Natalie twisted uncomfortably, and gave a weak wave.

"Hi guys."

"Natalie!" JJ exclaimed and stood up to give her old friend a tight hug.

"JJ!" Natalie couldn't help the smile that passed on her lips as she embraced her friend. She had been closer to JJ than anyone else, and had missed her the most. Why she hadn't contacted her in the last year, she had no answer for. Not a good one anyway. "Congratulations." Natalie smiled when she felt JJ's baby lump.

"Thank you," JJ smiled back. "You haven't met Will, my fiancé, right?"

"No, I don't think so," Natalie replied held out her hand. "I'm Natalie."

Will stood up and accepted her hand. "Nice to meet you, I'm Will."

"Likewise," Natalie replied, giving a soft smile. Then she turned to Morgan. "Can you spare a hug for an old friend?"

He smiled at her. "Sure." He opened his arms and embraced her in a brotherly hug.

Natalie could feel _his_ eyes on her; there was no mistaking about that. Bracing herself, she turned to Reid, who was standing up next to where Garcia was sitting. It only took one look into his eyes for her emotions to bubble up inside of her, but she managed to press out a small smile.

"Hi, Spencer," she said, sounding more secure than she felt.

"Hi, Natalie," he replied, and then an uncomfortable silence spread out between them. Hesitantly, as if it was expected of him, Reid leaned down and gave her a quick hug.

Natalie savoured those few seconds as much as she could; the feeling of his arms around her stirred up old memories that she had suppressed into the back of her mind. When he pulled away, she once again felt like crying. He looked so much better than the last time she'd seen him. His face was not so gaunt, he wasn't as pale, and his eyes had more life in them. He looked more like the Spencer Reid she fell in love with, not the shadow of him that returned back from Georgia.

Reid tried to keep the feeling of holding her in his arms as long as he could before he let go. Not once in the previous year had he stopped thinking about her, about ways to apologize. He had chosen the drugs over the one person that loved him most in the entire world, and now he was paying for his mistake. He watched as she hugged Garcia, and then started to small talk with her.

Natalie's smile was genuine as she talked to Penelope, but every fiber of her body was screaming at her to get out of there before she got hurt again. After a few minutes, she couldn't pretend anymore. Standing up, she looked apologetically at her friends. "I'm sorry, but I have to go; I've got to go to work in the morning." After hugging everybody again, and lingering as she hugged Spencer, she gave her new number to JJ, Emily and Penelope. The former girlfriends promised to keep in touch with each other.

"Bye." She turned around and walked towards the exit, as hastily as she could in her high heels. She started to walk down the street, towards her apartment.

"Natalie, wait up!" a voice, _his_ voice, stopped her dead in her tracks, and she turned around. Jogging towards her, Reid stroked his hair out of his eyes.

"What do you want?" she asked, sounding harsher than she had intended, and Reid looked hurt at her.

"I just wanted to talk to you. Letting you know that I'm doing better; I've been clean for about a year now."

The smile she gave him was genuine. That was all she wanted for him; to get better, to be happy. "That's great Spence, really great."

Feeling frustrated with the invisible wall between them, Reid sighed. "Are you ever gonna be able to trust me again?"

The words took her off guard, and she hesitated, not knowing how to form her words. "I don't know, Spencer. I want to, but…all I can think of is finding you in that bathroom."

"Something like that won't ever happen again. I can promise you that." A year overdue, it was with great relief that Reid was finally getting these things off his chest.

"For some reason I believe you." She looked down at her watch, and sighed. "I have to go, I need to get home."

Reid just wanted to hold her close and never let go, but contained himself. "Can we start over, as friends? It's your call."

Natalie thought about it for a second. She still loved him; would probably always love him. Was she willing to subject herself to this again? The answer was yes. "I'd like that."

"Can I call you sometime?" He asked shyly.

"Of course." Natalie couldn't help but to smile. He silently handed her his phone, letting her enter her new number. "Bye, Spencer." She turned around and started to walk away, a small smile on her lips.

Reid watched her as she walked away from him, feeling better than he had in a long time now that he and Natalie were talking to each other again. He sighed and then walked back into the café, preparing himself to answer a million questions.

Natalie rubbed a towel through her wet hair and looked up when the doorbell rang. She hadn't been home for more than an hour, and had just enjoyed a warm shower. Walking up to the front door, she looked through the peephole and was surprised when she saw Reid standing there.

"Spence, what are you doing here?" she asked when she opened the door.

"We're not leaving until tomorrow, and I felt like seeing you," he replied, and then noticed her wet hair. "Am I coming at a bad time?"

She shook her head. "No, not at all. Come on in, I was just gonna get some coffee." She let Reid into the apartment, and then instructed for him to wait in the living room. Walking into the kitchen, she panicked. Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down, she then poured the coffee in two cups and added milk to hers and sugar to Spencer's.

"You still do sugar in your coffee, right?" she asked when she got out to the living-room, and Reid nodded.

"Yeah, thanks," he replied and accepted the coffee from her. "So what have you been up to for the past year?"

Natalie took a sip of her coffee, buying her a few seconds to think out a good answer. "Working, mostly. You?"

"Roughly the same," he replied, and then a slightly uncomfortable silence spread over the room. From being able to tell each other everything, the limitations of their conversation bothered Reid. He opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped by a wail-like cry. He looked up, frowning as he watched Natalie freeze. "Natalie?" He asked, and she stood up.

"I'll be right back," she mumbled and then walked off into her bedroom. She walked over to a crib that was placed in one corner, and picked up her baby. "Shh, don't cry baby, mommy's here." Rocking her baby back and forwards, she turned around when she heard Reid's voice coming from the doorway. The baby stopped crying, and Reid spoke.

"Y-you have a daughter?" he asked shocked, and looked at the small baby in Natalie's arms.

"Mmh," she replied.

"How old is she?" Reid questioned, still in shock about the fact that Natalie, _his_ Natalie had a daughter. His heart sank; he was too late, she had someone new in her life.

"She's four months," Natalie stroked her baby's soft hair.

"What's her name?" his breath was hitched in his throat, and he was almost afraid of her answer.

"Her name is Ava Diana," looking down, Natalie waited impatiently for his answer. "She's yours, Spencer."

Reid felt like someone had just shoved his body into a bathtub full of ice-cubes. He was a father? He looked down at the tiny bundle of flesh in Natalie's arms. A warm sensation spread in his stomach. He was a father. "Were you ever gonna tell me?"

Natalie nodded vigorously. She did not want Spencer to think that she was keeping his daughter from him deliberately. "I was gonna tell you soon. Everything's been going so fast, I sometimes feel like it's not even real."

"Did you know when you..." he swallowed. "When you left, did you know that you were pregnant?"

She shook her head. "No, I found out about two months after. I figured, whatever you were doing you would have enough on your mind," she looked down at the now sleeping baby in her arms. "Do you wanna hold her?"

"Can I?"

"Sure," she smiled and carefully placed her baby in Reid's arms. "Careful with her head, yeah like that. You're doing just fine," her tone dropped to hushed, careful not to wake up Ava. "Let's sit down."

They sat down on Natalie's bed, and Reid tried to ignore the warmth of her arm against his. He looked down at the peacefully sleeping baby in his arms, love growing in his heart for this beautiful person he and Natalie had created. Then he came to think about something.

"She's not ill or anything? I don't know if the Dilaudid could hurt her."

"No, she's healthy and very bright for her age," Natalie smiled, still looking down at her baby. "I think it's best now for her to sleep alone," she took the baby from Reid and put her back into the crib.

"Can we talk about us?" Reid asked, and Natalie sat down next to him again.

"Of course."

"I want to be a part of your life, of my daughter's life. Even if I'm only a friend to you, I still want to be there when my daughter grows up."

"And I want you to be a part of her life – of my life. Maybe I should move down to D.C, making it easier for you to visit her."

"You don't have to. I mean, I could come up here to visit you."

She shook her head. "It's not going to work; with your job it'll be hard enough even if we're in the same city. Look what happened to Hotch and Hailey. I don't want that to happen to us,"

"I don't understand."

Slowly and tentatively, she leaned forwards and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Pulling back, she looked at him for signs what to do next. Their eyes met, and suddenly everything felt like when they had first met.

For Reid, his senses suddenly seem to go into overdrive. He could hear and smell the smallest things. He could hear the distant ticking of the clock, the wind outside and Natalie's breaths. He could smell her shampoo, her perfume and the soft smell of baby powder.

"I love you," she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "I've tried not to, but I can't stop."

"I love you too," Reid replied, almost too low for her to hear. Then he put one hand on the side of her face and gave her a long kiss.

...

"You got everything?"

"Yeah, I'm all done," she called as she walked from the bathroom out to the living-room. "You got the coffee?"

Reid held up the thermos. "Got it."

"So, are you ready for a five hour drive with a baby?" she teased, picking up Ava and placing her into the baby sling.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he replied and planted a soft kiss on her lips.

"Let's go then," she smiled and picked up her baby bag. Today was the day. She and Ava were moving down to D.C to live with Reid. He had already packed all the bags into Natalie's car, and was preparing himself to drive the 225 miles back home. In the past weeks he and Natalie had made all the necessary arrangements for her move to D.C. As Reid looked over at Ava, he was amazed by how beautiful she was. He still remembered what he'd said when he met Hotch's son for the first time.

"_He's gorgeous," JJ smiled. _

"_If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive."_

He chuckled softly to himself; he'd been so afraid at the point in his life. Afraid that he would never find anyone to love, afraid that he would end up alone. Only a week after that he'd met Natalie and his life and taken a completely different turn.

"Honey, are you okay?" came Natalie's voice, and he was pulled out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm great," he smiled and then placed a long kiss on her lips. "Let's go home."

She lit up in a bright smile. "Yeah, let's go home."

THE END

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